Couples never stop communicating—from strong healthy marriages to struggling marriages; from two people giggling together, to the excitement of being swept away; from finding a new boyfriend/girlfriend, to the boring old, oh, it’s you again, and everything in between. Even if couples are not talking, they are communicating.

We Are Always Communicating…
Even If We Don’t Say a Word

Body language is communication. It can be wonderfully positive communication or it can be ugly, stay-away-from-me-I’m-mad communication. Silence is communication. A couple in love can be silent and know that love is in the air. Or silence can be desperate and heartbreaking, like when two people have just had a quarrel. Silence is a powerful form of communication. Touching is communication; lack of touching is, too. It’s not true when couples say they don’t communicate anymore. Their bodies are still communicating whether they know it or not.

When you realize you’re always in communication with your partner, use the wonderful gift of voice and words. Share, listen, talk, listen, communicate, listen, don’t judge, and listen some more.

Have you noticed a common thread? Yes…listening! 

If you are not a good listener your partner won’t want to share

Before we get into some listening techniques, it’s important to realize that sometimes what you want to share with your partner isn’t of good quality. In that case, it’s better not to share it.  Gossip is a good example. Gossiping never feels good. You actually know deep inside you shouldn’t be gossiping to your partner. It’s just a way to relive drama and if you think about it…who wants that? That type of negative interaction is detrimental to a strong, healthy relationship or marriage.

What is quality listening?

Good quality listening can only be accompanied by good quality sharing. As you grow together as a couple, you need to talk about what you like, what you don’t like, dreams, goals, work, kids, school, vacation, together time, away time, the sharing of chores. The list goes on and on.

Towards the top of that list of relationship skills is sharing and listening to your partner’s feelings. This is how you really get to know one another. For example, one of you might ask, “Can you pick up the kids after school today?” This is an important conversation. You need to talk and listen so that the kids get picked up. It needs to be said. It needs to be heard.  But you never can really get to know your partner if feelings aren’t shared, like if picking the kids up that day will be difficult for you, or, if you feel as though you’re always picking up the kids. It’s also important thing to learn is that if you’re not a good listener your partner won’t want to share. Then you can fall into the destructive version of silence, which can destroy romance and marriage.

Let’s talk about an aspect of listening that is called reflective listening. The key word to remember here is ‘reflective’. Like a mirror. You listen to your partner and then reflect back to them what they said so you both understand what was shared. Many times, when people think they are listening, they are not listening at all. They are storing up their own ideas for when it’s their turn to talk instead of listening. This is a very unhealthy form of listening.

Here is an example of reflective listening;

You might ask your partner, “What kind of Christmas tree do you want to get this year?”

Your partner might reply, “Do you remember last year how the bottom of the Christmas tree was a bit wide and we couldn’t walk around it or see the reflection of the tree lights in the mirror?  This year I’d like to get a narrower tree so it fits better in the space and the mirror behind it will reflect the tree lights.”

Your response, “Okay, you would like to get a tree that’s easier to walk around so the mirror can reflect the tree lights back into the room?”

Reflective listening is key to a strong and healthy marriage

When practicing this important relationship skill, reflective listening, you’re letting your partner share so you can understand their wants, needs and feelings. You, the listener is not judging, not waiting for your turn, not formulating ideas in your mind as rebuttal, not being critical. You are all ears and receptive. When your partner finishes their thought, feeling, or desire, you repeat their words to see if you got it right, to confirm that you understand. This is not robotic playback or rewind. This is a conversational way to make sure you correctly understood what your partner said. You might not agree. In fact, agreeing is not a necessary component of good listening.

Another example of reflective listening is:

”How did your business meeting go?” you ask.

And your partner responds, ”It went great! It was a very comfortable atmosphere and I had such a good presentation that they actually want to order more product from the spring line for next year.”

Then you say, ”It’s great that you were comfortable, and wow, ordering more from the spring line because of your good presentation. That’s fabulous!”

Reflective listening is an important relationship skill for all relationships, but is especially important in romantic relationships and marriages.

Listen and hear what your partner is trying to say without judgment.

Listening intently can be learned. Multitasking when you’re listening compromises the experience. If you learn to listen to your partner now, you will never hear, ”Why don’t you listen to me?  Did you hear what I said?  Why do I have to repeat everything?”

Good communication is an essential skill in creating a relationship in harmony.