Which is easier for you? Giving or receiving?
Which is more fun? Let’s nail the topic down to giving and receiving love and or affection…

Some people don’t receive well because they don’t give well, and vice versa.

Some say, ”there was no display of love or affection in my family when I was growing up. My family didn’t hug. There were no displays of love. No gifts of cards, flowers, time, kind words etc. except on major holidays, when obligation was the motivating factor”.

And what about now? Five years later, 10 years later, 20 years later, 40 years later, do you still claim ”I don’t know how to show love and attention because my family didn’t hug”?

How much more time must pass before you put down that baggage?

Some people will keep living that way until their death bed.

I witnessed this with my Step-Dad.

I’m not blaming anyone. I’m not saying what is right or wrong, however if you want to be a loving and affectionate person and you have baggage of yesteryear, put it down. It’s actually easier than carrying it around with you.

My Step-Dad could be fair, generous, creative, hard-working, diligent and supportive, but he really struggled with being loving and affectionate.

He wasn’t what I call cold, not an iceberg, but not to warm either.

It wasn’t until many years later that I could look back on a situation or event and realize that love came from many of Dad’s actions.

We all got along well; my Mom, sister and I always had what we needed and then a little bit more. Never physically abused, always given the opportunity to grow, work, play and learn. Just not a lot of love and affection from Dad.

Knowing how difficult some families have it, I feel very fortunate for the time of my upbringing.

As many of you know my Step-Dad began suffering from Alzheimer’s in his early 80s.

An interesting side effect I witnessed was him growing more affectionate, not by leaps and bounds, however I could see it.

I think he was forgetting to carry his old baggage with him.

In his place of business, a tactic that he employed was to be very short tempered. He found if he jumped down your throat the instant a perceived problem arose, he could be in control. And he seemed to need to be in control.

A couple of years into his Alzheimer’s he forgot that as well.

I’m not saying this is any benefit from that disease. A cure for all Alzheimer’s should be placed higher on the ladder than a lot of our other research and resources go.

I just found it interesting that when dad forgot that he was taught to not be affectionate and when he forgot that he did not have to be in control, then he could give love and affection.

This was displayed to me and is a blessing for which I will be thankful for the rest of my days.

The disease that Dad was suffering from had advanced to a point that Mom could not take care of him in the way that was needed.

A care facility was chosen and luckily it was a very short drive for Mom to visit. She visited Dad every day, sometimes more than once a day. My sister and I visited as often as we could.

I found that reading and telling stories to Dad was a great way for he and I to visit, share time and share love together.

I talked and read and Dad listened and laughed and commented to his ability. Some of his contribution I was not able to understand, however I could feel what he was adding. Some was said clearly and with words of such brilliance and wisdom, that I would hurry to write them down. I never stopped learning from that man.

I was able to visit once or twice a week and I would also call Mom to ask ” how is Dad”?

She would say ” he’s doing great and I got to hug him and kiss him today.”

Remember, I said those kinds of things didn’t go on much at home.

That was what Mom mostly reported. ” He let me hug his head, he let me hold his hand, he reached out to hold my hand, he kissed my hand, he let me snuggle him and kiss him”… this is all new stuff for Mom.

One time while visiting Dad, my sister was talking with him. He reached for her hand and brought it to his lips and kissed her. Wow

Mom said he had started doing that to her also.

It might not sound like much unless you witnessed it. The reason I say that is because by this time the disease was quite advanced and locating my sister’s hand and bringing it to his lips for a kiss was extremely challenging. Dad’s desire to give love and affection was so great that he pushed through his new challenges to show love for his daughter.

As I witnessed this my heart was glad, a tear made its way down my cheek and in the face of the disease a smile came to me. I had just witnessed something beautiful.

Never once did I think ”what about me?” I just don’t have room for jealousy in my life and there was never room for jealousy between my sister and I. Well not as adults anyway. I do remember when she got her car painted and I whined until mine was painted too. That still tastes bad. Lesson learned.

As hospice care began we all knew Dad’s transition time was near

Mom reported more tender times between them. I know that helped her overlook pain and suffering.

One day I was visiting with dad, reading to him from a book of poems, when he reached for my hand. Using all his strength and courage he managed to bring my hand to his lips to kiss me. It was a struggle like you can’t imagine. His hand trembling, his head shaking and unsteady as he tried to lift himself up to kiss my hand. When my hand was close to his lips I could feel the whiskers of his mustache and beard. I could feel his breath of exertion and when he kissed my hand I could feel the strength of love flow between us.

I stopped my reading. I looked at Dad, and a tear made its way down my cheek. I said to him ” I love you too” . My heart was glad and I smiled at the sense of knowing that now love was in control over Dad.

That was the last time I saw him. Two days later Mom called me with the news of his passing.

As the news sunk in I could feel the kiss of his lips on my hand. The love that we shared.

It caused me to ponder…

Who is more blessed? Is it me being told of Dad’s love with a kiss? Is it Dad for being able to express the depth of his love to his son? Or is it the Giver of love that always finds a way to express?